The Official Am-Am!! Officials announced today that testing for performance-enhancing drug use would not be conducted at the 11th Annual Am-Am!!, to be held on September 17, 2005. This comes following mounting allegations that some Am-Am!! participants have been going to extreme measures to improve their scores over the years.

Drug testing is now an expected aspect of professional sports, with performance-enhancing drugs such as steroids and illegal drugs banned in almost all major athletics. Over the past couple of years drug testing in college and minor-league sports has become increasingly common. Drug testing in amateur-amateur sporting events such as the Am-Am!! is rare. However, the Official Am-Am!! Officials were recently alerted that many of the Am-Am!! participants are exhibiting typical side effects of performance enhancing drugs. Reflecting their commitment to maintaining the integrity of the Am-Am!!, the Official Officials opened an investigation.

The investigation revealed that performance enhancing drug use can result in physiological changes such as unexpected hair loss, the “bulking up” of players' bodies, marked improvements in scores, especially over short periods of time, and unusual injuries that defy explanation. It may also generate personality changes, frequently making the user more aggressive with use.

Interesting Points

When asked to comment, an Official Am-Am!! Official said, “The people suggesting that we do testing have raised some interesting points. And those ‘before and after’ pictures are even more startling than the ones on TLC's ‘A Makeover Story.’ But we decided that we won’t do the testing. Not that I'd mind if we tested. I'm a little afraid of the other Official Am-Am!! Official. He's beginning to scare me.”

The other Official Am-Am!! Official commented “Personally, I'm against it. There's no way anyone's testing me. I'm clean. Dammit, I said, I'm clean! Geez! Oh. Um, I’ll fix that wall. Sorry.”

Later it was explained to the Official Am-Am!! Officials that to avoid the use of masking agents or such products as “The Whizinator,” the collection of urine samples from all contestants would have to be directly observed. Both Official Am-Am!! Officials said “Eeeeewwwww!” and permanently closed the investigation.

Photographic Evidence

Official Am-Am!! Officials began their investigation into steroid abuse by particpants by studying photographic evidence of symptoms, which include hair loss (top row), bulking up (middle row), rapid (and unexpected) improvement in performance (bottom-left), inexplicable physical injuries (bottom-center), and agression (bottom-right). Do these photos suggest steroid abuse among hard-core Am-Am!! competitors?